Two Directors Sought

The Church of The Holy Snail, having resolved to take corporeal form in the eyes of the State of Washington, seeks two persons of sound mind and unhurried disposition to serve as Directors of its civil governing body, the Gastropodean Theological Society.

Let us be honest, as the Sacred Pace demands honesty: this is not a position of power. The Gastropope retains all authority spiritual, doctrinal, liturgical, and otherwise. You will not interpret scripture. You will not ordain anyone. You will not be asked to hold opinions about the Mucal Veil. You will be asked to exist, legally, approximately once per year.

Requirements

• You have completed your eighteenth orbit of the sun.
• You are not related to the Gastropope, nor to the other Director, nor entangled with either by business, debt, or blood.
• You can attend one (1) meeting per year - conductible by video, and, in keeping with doctrine, neither rushed nor long.
• You are willing to sign your name to a document or two. In the first twelve months of the Church's civil existence, these are expected to include:
  • The Consent to Act as Director - a brief declaration confirming that you exist, that you are aware of your role, and that you have not been coerced into it by any force faster than a snail.
  • The Articles of Incorporation - filed with the State of Washington, this document makes the Church real in the eyes of the law. Your name will appear in it. This is, in the civil sense, immortality.
  • The Minutes of the First Annual Meeting - a record confirming that the meeting occurred, that nothing was decided in haste, and that all present conducted themselves at a pace appropriate to the doctrine.
  • The Application for Federal Tax Exemption - submitted to the Internal Revenue Service, which has its own theology regarding nonprofit religious organizations and processes applications at a pace the Church finds spiritually relatable.
  • The Annual Report - filed with the State of Washington to confirm that the Church still exists, still has Directors, and has not done anything the State would consider alarming. This is expected to remain true.
• You need not believe in The Holy Snail. You need only believe in paperwork, and in the dignity of slow institutions.

Responsibilities

• Attend the annual meeting. Nod, when nodding is warranted.
• Approve, occasionally, a routine and unexciting financial matter (e.g., “shall we keep the bank account open” - yes).
• One of the two Directors will be invited to serve as Almoner, keeper of the Church’s modest coin. This Director should be comfortable with arithmetic performed at any speed.
• Refrain from absconding with the treasury. (It is, at present, largely theoretical.)

On the Honours of Founding

The Church does not rush to gratitude. It is not that kind of institution. But it is the other kind: the kind that remembers, slowly and completely, those who made it possible to exist in the eyes of the State.

The First Two Directors - whoever they are - will be recognised by the Church as its Founders in the civil sense, which is, it transpires, the only sense Washington State formally acknowledges. In honour of this, the Church makes the following solemn commitments:

• A great deal of respect will be given to you. The precise quantity has not been measured, as measuring respect in haste would somewhat undermine the theology, but it will be considerable and ongoing.
• The Church will be grateful to you forever. Or until it is dissolved, whichever comes last. The Holy Snail considers both equally likely on a long enough timeline.
• Your birthday will be declared an official holiday of the Church. The faithful will be encouraged, on that day, to move slightly slower than usual, to light a candle if they have one, and to refrain from sending emails until after noon. It has been noted that this is not significantly different from how most people observe birthdays already. The Church considers this a feature of the doctrine, not a limitation of the holiday.

Your names will be recorded in the Colophon. Formally. At pace.

The Holy Snail is in no rush. Neither, we suspect, are you.
That is precisely the qualification.